I realize what I have to say. I’m not exactly sure where this came from, but I know now.
You asked me to hangout, and staring at you stupidly, I was torn.
A huge part of me was screaming to say “Yes!” and there was another part that couldn’t go ignored, it whispered, “No”
I didn’t understand why, but now I do.
You’d inevitably ask why, and then everything would come crashing down. All of my secrets, all of my cards would be revealed.
But as always, here goes nothing.
I’d have to tell you because when we hang out, it means more to me than it should. Especially lately, I have these feelings for you that maybe beyond platonic. I know you don’t mean to hang out with me as anything more than just in a friendly manner, and thats why I can’t. When we’re together, we do inevitably flirt, and flirting-really innocent as it may seem-stirs and encourages the feelings that I know can’t be mutual. Its also not fair to you because you just want to be friends-and although i’ve never said anything about us going beyond friendship, I still have may have these intentions, and thats just as guilty. Until I listen, love, and serve God whole-heartedly, I can’t have room for other unnecessary crap to take root in my heart. Of course I wouldn’t say all of that, but I do need to let you know I can’t because my feelings may be beyond what you feel for me.
I find that I cannot even look at you, in fear of caving in. And so I don’t.
Theres a part of me that thinks I can hang out platonically, but while we’re at the beach, or in the mall, and you look at some other chick, or talk about some girl being hot, I get jealous. And thats not of God. Being jealous isn’t even who I am. I’m being selfish. You’re not mine, so I can’t be envious. Jealousy of that kine, it holds a claim; a claim I have no right to have. So thats why I can’t. I have these feelings for you that I don’t even fully understand myself. I know I most likely have feelings for you that you can’t replicate, and thats fine, I don’t expect you to. So although you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong, I can’t “just” hang out with you anymore. And until I find out who I am in God, I can’t figure out the what those feelings mean. Maybe its real, maybe its from the words you say, I don’t know and thats what irritates me.
Or at least i’ll say something along those lines ;)
Well, i’ll be fucked!
I made it all up in my mind.
Light whispers of meaningless words, its what held me close.
Holding me tight to the sheer veil of hope.
Something so thin. I thought maybe the layers showed less complexities.
But I was wrong. It just showed shallowness.
Instead I take things literally, I try to see beyond the obvious.
There was no hope for us, was there?
Of course not, because through all the progress we had, you’d be here.
But you aren’t.
The freedom of feeling like just friends is because we really are JUST friends.
I feel like a fool.
I’m not mad at you, I just can’t believe that yet again, my walls crumpled on its own for you.
And all you did was look at me.
I don’t know what to say.
I’m losing inspiration.
I’ve poured my heart to you countless times.
On many countlessly silent occasions.
Maybe I should’ve spoken earlier.
Maybe its a good thing I haven’t.
I hear music, but no melody.
Your eyes hold me custody.
Now i’m sounding like a blabbering fool.
All resolves crumpled to your actions, so cruel.
Hold my hand one last time,
hold me in comfort, while you tell me no more lies.
How am I who I am to you?
I had a dream last night we were in a reality show.
I became not like my self, I said something stink about a girl.
Then you held your hand out in an accusing matter.
You yelled at me for being fake,
that maybe I should leave for my sake.
But all I really wanted was retuned love,
Love that you gave to that girl instead.
How pathetic!
My dream was warning me
and now i’m apologetic.
To my heart, to my mind,
i’ve got a big hill to climb.
I need out of this whole,
and come out as only Nicole.
Its been a long while since i’ve thought of you out of anything platonic, or made another memory with you to confuse the shit out of me. But for the first time ever, I drunk cried over you. The things you said, the things that happened. The teasing, the stories, the laughs, our short trip down memory lane. How does one always find his way in my heart without so much as a knock? How does one bust down brick walls with mere whispers? Saying I like white boys, then later calling yourself white. Feigning for my attention, keeping an ear out, cutting into my conversations. That FUCKING fire chemistry I feel when we talk. I mean, does chemistry consist of both parties, or can a person make up all that magnetic energy on her own? If so, that sucks. Snapping your fingers ‘darn’ as you found out i’m a sucker for light brown eyes. Saying you’re “Shit out of luck” and that you guessed it wasn’t, “Meant to be.” At first my heart fluttered, that is until I went home and my pessimistic thoughts came boiling to the surface. I saw then that maybe it was sarcasm, but I pushed that thought out of my mind. Is your gut reaction the right one, or is it the wishful one? So many questions, and no answers. Well, many answers, too many that none seems remotely valid. Sometimes I wish I could just walk up to you and lay one right on those lips. Most times when our chemistry boils, I want to just grab the nape of you neck, pull you close, and kiss you. To see your initial reaction. Then I think if you liked me you’d come after me. Then I’d be angry at you for leading me on, and giving me mixed signals. Just yesterday it occurred to me that maybe you held back because I do. That maybe you ice me out like I admittedly do to you quite often. Then I think of our flirting. Maybe thats just how you flirt with all the girls. You’re not that hard to click with at all. Then I remember out tendency of ignoring everyone when we’re together, and maybe its just how we are around each other. But who really knows? I mean, what would I even say to you if I were to proclaim my feelings towards you? What if rejection comes hard? I’d most likely lose a friend, and i’ve already missed you so much. Then I think what if you really did like me! And what I wrote previously you think as well. I apologize if I ever made you feel inadequate. Who am I to call you a bum? Or to even put myself above you? I’m no better than you are. We’re equal, just opposites. What would I say to you? I thought it would be awkward that night when we were left alone down at the courts, but it wasn’t at all. We talked about job hunting, my school, your permit, and driving, Kauai!! We reminisced on how that was the weirdest more awkwardest thing we’ve ever been through. Thinking back on it, things were super smooth that night. Zero awkwardness.
Actually, the only awkward moments we’ve had between just you and I was when I confronted you about the kiss the night after. But that was a long time ago. It was the 1st time i’ve ever initiated anything with you, and I got shut down before I could really say anything. You then avoided me like the plaque, well, we both did. I jumped a plane to Arizona (thats when I actually made this blog), but do you see how far we’ve come?
Then I remember that time you came up to me and spoke to me at the pier, and those previous negative thoughts disappeared. I think that was the first stage of us becoming friends again. Then they led to happier memories. Such a belligerent and ferocious cycle! Where do we mutha-fuckin’ stand? Yes, I know as friends, but I know there are some other feelings too.
But i’m happy you’re in church! The way your eyes lit up that night at the courts when I said I found Christian guys attractive. That has always been a golden quality to me, but I saw hope in those eyes. Your head snapped up, and your eyes grew wide.
You surprised me that night, because I missed that OLD Day. I haven’t seen him in a while. I just hope more and more of him would come back to me… to God. I’m already starting to see the old you :)
Friends. I like the way that sounds.
Taking it step by step.
Could it be possible for me to have a positive feeling this time around?
I know I like you, but things feel so different now.
Like we’re actually doing things right. Everythings in order, and results in not rushing anything.
I know you know what I mean.
Bet you’re thinking the same thing, too.
The way you look at me tells me so.
Not the quick lust I often see that glazes your eyes to a darker brown-though, I do see it once in a while.
Instead, I see patience and eagerness; its something I haven’t seen in your eyes. At least not since we were younger.
I would get so lost in my thoughts around you, and now you’re helping me sort them out.
Like crashing waves we collide.
Into something prettier, something deeper.
I don’t know where this change is coming from, but I know it has nothing to do with anything secular.
And, has everything to do with God.
Cleansing our hearts, and burning our friendship.
Into something bigger, brighter.
So that we may become lights.
Guide each other, and one day, love each other deeper.
I do love you. I know thats true, undeniable.
And I know you love me.
We just need to figure out what exactly that means for us.
Just not yet.
I’ll hold that patience in your eyes, and take is as a personal hope.
That you want the same thing as I do eventually.
The change I see in you, shines so bright.
And i’m so proud of you.
I hold you so close in my heart, sometimes I think you’re what my heart is made of.
Always that piece i’ll never ever get back. And i’m not scared, because I have faith in us.
Time spent well.
Spent with God,
with each other.
We’re friends, and this is the most productive I feel like we’ve been since we were younger.
I’ll hold your hand through this.
And you’ll protect me.
I love you Bo.
Always will, always have.
The only question that haunts me is what kind of love am I exactly feeling.
Where’d the pity go?
The helpless hours listening to those hopeless lyrics.
Where’d the self-changing party go?
The dancing lights & pinatas, where’s our bright party?
The lies of tomorrow fills me with hope I know is uselees, much like those pity lyrics back at pity party..
Bright smiles, & optimistically happy faces, looking at me with hope I know is totally useless, but their optimistic cheers send me temporary delight.
A name trapped in my head, and love under my heels, taking me to desperate places, at desperate measures.
Lifting me higher to face the world of my pathetic-ness. I actually fooled myself into believing it was love. That I loved you, you cared for me & we would have the brightest of futures.
I fooled myself into believing you could change, and I could change, and we could finally be. I fooled myself big.
And the love at my heels burn to ash.
Now i’m standing on something dead, & long gone.
Worse than puzzle pieces, worse than those shattered glass.
None of ash can collide again.
Completely ruined, and gone forever.
I say goodbye my dear, I fid you good luck, my love.
I kiss the air between us a sweet one.
For we are done with these hopeless lyrics and hours of helpless searching.
I’m sorry for giving up on this.
But time is beckoning for me to return to him.
It has much to show me, and teach me.
So much empty time that I need to fill.
Like blank color books, instead of demanding word finds.
Sick of letting you down by not finding your secret meanings.
So I began to use colors, they’re so flexible.
Did I mention i’m saying farewell, my friend
We need to say goodbye because the miles that go on to forever forbid us to go together.
We both have our own thin path to take, leaving no room for eachother.
But I will see you again,
Some way or another.
Because still we are friends, facing eachother to a common goal.
Forever i’ll love you,
Friday nights
Searching for a long time now.
I look to the left, and I only see the past we had. I see our hopes & memories gathered in a tumbleweed, drifting farther with the wind.
I look to my right, and I see nothing, but my desert of hopelessness, not your face, not any pictures, any hopes, nothing looks familiar, nothing i’d hope for.
So I look straight ahead, and i’m falling behind the miles & miles that are already seperating us.
I try to look behind me, but I refuse to believe you’re a bleak part of my life.
I refuse to believe you’re hiding behind me.
I’ve just been searching for a long time, and i’m just trying to find my way.
I look to my left in hopes that past memories will help me with my future, but realized my memories aren’t coming back to me.
My memory lane is broken, seperated, and barely visible.
Where are you?
I feel my feet getting tired of holding me up, and my brain even more tired of the thoughts that weigh on them.
How do I do this, how do I love?
I close my eyes and try to search for a feeling and I come up blank.
Surely there was something i’ve learned in our time together.
Surely there were lessons learned.
Have I not had enough hands on experiences?
I feel weight lift from my feet, and its a bit bareable to stand,
Kisses on my forehead suck away the pressure of my thoughts.
I open my eyes & here he is in front of me, he’s looking at me expectantly.
Wait, what’d he just say?
What’s the look for?
I try to reminice on the days of us, trying to find a pattern here. Some kind of familiar road, lane, anything.
& I look at him again, everything goes blank.
Then I feel the wind shifting directions.
Coming from my left side now.
Hair swirling around my face, clothes so soft against my skin, the warmth of his hand and the part of my forehead he kissed.
Then I see it, the tumbleweed coming toward my direction, threatening to run me over.
I see glimpses of our hopes, and our memories.
You’re here, somewhere close.
I feel our memories now, I have to close my eyes
I can taste them now, they’re so sweet, I open my mouth a little to taste it a little better.
I welcome them with the widest of arms, and the crevices of my memory. Never allowing them to leave.
But I taste something sour.
Mmm, they compliment eachother.
Only takes a second more for me to realize, its too sour. Theres no sweetness, its gone!
And I realize the order is wrong.
This is the end of the memories. Me sitting on the edge of the beach, legs crossed, tears strolling toward the direction you left me for.
The direction where you are, but I can’t see because the miles that seperate us.
Knowing now that its not sourness i’m tasting, but the saltiness of my tears, the beach, my thoughts.
I open my eyes, and I see this beautiful guy.
I taste nothing from him but the hint of peppermint.
Smells subtly of cinnamon, and so so freshing.
Then as if he could read my mind, he reaches down and kisses my lips, making me feel fresh, new, clean.
I look to my right, and I no longer see the desert of hopelessness, and with his taste still on my lips, I take his hand, and I stroll into my paradise.
Have you ever thought what kind of person you are? A leader, follower, funny, wanna be?
I feel terrified when I think of the person I am because I get confused.
Do I really care for the needs of others? Or do I only care because I don’t want people to hate me?
I know i’m selfish, but how bad am I?
In reality I know i’m scared.
I block it with snide comments, but if I really cared then why owuld I have to block it?
And if i’m really snide, then why am I scared?
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I feel lost in the big ocean sea of possibilities.
Do I only get on people’s good side so they love me?
Or can they see beyond my facade?
I know I have a mask on, but a mask of what?
Fakeness? Vulnerabilty? Innocence?
I honestly don’t know anything, but that i’m selfish, & scared.
And I wish nothing but to be rain.
Or in rain.
I want to wash my problems away, to be clear, pure.
And I want to nourish the plants that needs me to grow.
To be a part of God’s nature, not like fire-which destroys everything.
I’m so lost, and lazy, and I have got not a clue what to smile at. The thing that’s truly funny, or the things I only think people would approve of.
Because i’m starting to believe i’m that kind of person.
The kind that wants to be loved, but never loves.
Maybe thats why i’m totally alone.
I used to think I had the colors of the rainbow figured out, and the cohesive way the rain works to compliment such beauties.
I thought I knew how to be part of the rain.
And maybe I did for a while, but as I see my dark clouds overwhelming the rainsbow, and the mountain, and all things wonderfully made by God, I lost myself again. Scared feelings & depressing thoughts, for I don’t even fit amongst the skies.
Trying to make things right, instead, I make them… wrong, ugly.
Where do I fit? Am I even in the right puzzle box?
Who am I?
I don’t believe i’m a bad person, I believe I have a world of my own inside my head.
Where a lot of things make sense that other people would find retarded.Why am I so seperated?
Where i’m horrible with words, and great at delivering them, thinking just because they make sense to me, they’ll make sense to you.
I’m extremely sorry being lost & causing havok where I thought I was helping.
I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you & tell you everything thats been going on especially in these last few weeks.
I feel like i’m a horrible person. Last night really opened my eyes to that. I talk shit about people, I hit people & tell people they’re horrible.
What the fuck is my problem, right?
I told one of my best friends she was a terrible person.. then she narrowed it down to me saying she’s not good at relationships, & that she was a bad girlfriend.
But is there really a huge difference between being a terrible person, and being a bad girlfriend?
The shitty part is I really don’t know why I said it.
The shitty part is I really don’t remember when I said it.
Then I reflect, and I didn’t mean it evilly. I just wanted her to see that shes not good at relationships. She likes her freedom too much.
I cry because everyone asks me my opinion, & when I tell them my opinion, it always get twisted.
Some way or another.
Then I end up being fucked in the asshole.
I wish you were here.
Last night I hung out with your cousin, and he was acting weirdly.
Then all I could think of was all the times he called you immature & kiddy, and as I was looking at him, I saw everything he was teasing you about.
I wish you were here.
The other night I had a dream about you.
Keep having dreams that you’ll take me away.
Dancing in perfect sync.
Taking me to a whole new world better than Aladdin’s & Jasmine’s.
Then I wonder if you even remember me.
Somewhere in a past time, a memory?
Remember the times we’d talk in the back of the truck?
Remember the drinks & the arguments thats happened?
Remember my first kiss that was shared with you?
I hope that hasn’t happened.
I hope you haven’t forgotten about me.
But if you did when you’re off doing your own thing,
i’ll carry those memories with me forever.
After all you were my first kiss, my first crush, my first love.
How can I forget us?
And if you did when you’re off doing your own thing,
thats okay, I understand, because at least I know, in a huge chunk of your life, I was standing right there beside you.
& that thought, is good enough for me.
Sincerely,
Friday nights.
